Moving on...

Hello Friends,

Since August, 2010, this blog has served well for my thought experiments, contemplations, and complaints.  78 posts in about a year and a half - seems like a lot sometimes but other times it doesn't...  Many of those posts (especially earlier on) include gripes about bankruptcy and financial distress, work, and other interpersonal problems, some of which I feel like I've moved on from for the most part.  Another large chunk of text was devoted to political issues, another area of life I don't feel like discussing much anymore.

That said, others posts focus on family, home schooling, and philosophical/spiritual considerations, which are still relevant and important in my daily life.

This is why I've decided to move to a new site, but keep this one hanging around as a testament to the continual change and impermanence in life.  This allows the "clean slate" effect while simultaneously not purging any history (I guess I'm a data hoarder and I'm leaving my mess on the internet, you're welcome).  As I change, so do the mediums by which I express my existence.  So, those who are interested, you may find my newest postings here.  I hope my future contemplation contain useful insight and are beneficial not just to myself, but to those who bother to read them.

Be at peace, my friends.  :)

A Fortunate Birth

I'd be remiss if I failed to post a mention of the recent birth: January 21 at 9:52 AM, after about 10 hours of labor, my wife gave birth to our daughter Alyanna Lynne. She has a strong set of lungs – I kid you not, she was born crying – and is nursing well. All of her bodily functions seem to be working in the proper fashion and she is already starting to settle into a less chaotic sleeping cycle. A very fortunate birth for both her and us, I am certain.

Dalton, recently turned seven years old, has taken well to having a little sister even though she gobbles up much of our time. We have made great efforts to not let him feel neglected or unloved, but even the best human efforts can come up short from time to time. We have impressed upon him that he must let us know how he feels so that we can minimize such circumstances when possible and proper – there is no reason for him to have to feel like we love his sister more than we do him even if she is certain to demand more from us on a consistent basis.

My wife seems to be recovering well (not painless, but pain only of a predictable, manageable sort) and is quickly producing sufficient supply for nursing. I've tried to limit the amount she has to be on her feet, of course, but she can be somewhat stubborn about not wanting to ask for too much help; that, and too much sitting isn't any better for her than too little.

In a surprising turn of events, it was strongly suggested by the Human Resources department at my work that I take a full week off instead of the previously scheduled three days. I was basically told “three days isn't enough,” and so I will return to work Monday instead of tomorrow morning. While not entirely necessary, it has been nice knowing that I didn't have to rush everything today in order to feel like I could comfortably make the attempt to return to a normal routine.

Not that anything here will constitute “normal” for a while, right?

So, in between naps and various chores, I have had quite the bit of time to read. Between the three books that I'm actively working on, I have turned 218 pages since arriving at the hospital around 1 AM on Saturday. That isn't really so much reading in terms of serious study, I'll admit, but it is a lot by my standards. Further, it has actually been quite enjoyable.

Have a accomplished much else?  No, not really.  I've spent some time playing Civilization V with Dalton and I've managed to [barely] catch up on laundry (which was in a sad state of affairs prior to the birth and obviously was not a particularly high priority immediately).  I also made some effort to observe the New Moon Uposatha on Monday, although I'll admit that it was far from stellar.  Regardless, I endeavor to continue to pursue the path even in the face of chaos and fatigue.

I hope you are well and may find peace of mind tonight.  I will write again soon, friends.

Thirty Years Old, So??

The last couple of days have been a pleasant retreat from the work life, as Thursday was offered to me as VTO (voluntary time off) and Monday was scheduled in advance for my birthday.  I am 30 years old, for anyone who is keeping score, and I don't feel a day over... 30...  Meh...

The weekend was relatively productive; much cleaning in preparation for the incoming baby was done and some time was allotted for reading, which has fallen woefully behind schedule, one could say.  All of the major chores are caught up and some of the less-routine ones are too (amazing!) while most of the post-Christmas chaos has been eliminated from the living room (if you don't know what I mean, you clearly don't do Christmas quite like we do) and it is actually looking like a living room again.  Ha!

On the more developmental side of things, some of the free time has been spent listening to some Dhamma talks by Ajahn Brahmali, a Bhikkhu at Bodhinyana Monastery in Perth, Australia. While I have yet to connect with a local teacher, I continue to find interesting new resources available online and in print to help further my practice. Such audio and video clips are especially helpful, as sometimes an alternate method of bringing in information is useful in pushing an important idea deeper into the mind... and considering the lack of a live teacher immediately available, I'm utilizing the next-best thing as far as I can tell.

A little time was spent in the creativity/construction mode again too, this time designing and creating a smaller, shall we say, more “travel size” version of my study guide. The first one of it's kind shown to the right (with the “full” version in-picture for size reference).

In case anyone reading is unfamiliar, on November 21, 2011, I debuted my first self-bound booklet, my "Study Guide," which includes a number of ritual/developmental passages and a complete copy of the Dhammapada.  This book was replaced on December 12, 2011 with a similar booklet that featured certain content improvements (including an article authored by Bhikkhu Bodhi, an American Theravada monk whose writings have become useful in my practice) and other features (a harder, more competent cover design being the main point).  I gifted the original to my sisters at Christmas time as they showed some interest in it and have used the newer one since. 

Now I have come to the conclusion that something smaller, less inclusive might be useful.  This is where my "travel size" compilation comes in.  The one I completed tonight (below, left) will remain in my home study area where my other books reside while the second one will live in my van.  Once a few books I have ordered arrive, the "full version" will go to work and live in my locker so that I no longer have to carry it to and from work every day.

 

Due to a materials shortage, I was unable to complete the second mini-booklet tonight (so, in fact, I didn't really even start it), but after a trip to Michaels, I'm quite certain I will be able to complete is quickly and effortlessly.  I did, however, choose cover colors and have some things set aside, ready (above, right).

As for other news, we are mere days from bringing forth our second child into the world, and event I will admit to be eagerly awaiting.  Of course, my wife is far more eager than I, even if she refuses to admit it -- I think her complaints of back pains are an eerie reminder of the end of her pregnancy with Dalton, leading me to believe that we may in the delivery room in as little as 48 hours, regardless of the January 27 due date.  I suppose we will know soon enough, no?

In closing, I was to thank the great multitude of friends that noticed and wished me a happy birthday today, whether it was Facebook reminding you that prompted it or you actually remembered (doesn't particularly matter to me), I appreciate the well wishes and hope you are all well too.

Metta.  I will write again soon.

Observations on Patience

I spent a considerable amount of time this weekend in reflective thought on a major failing point in my life, namely patience. I was up at a reasonable time today and the thought came about me that I should work on a little project. The specific nature of this project not being terribly important to the whole world, I shall suffice to say that it encompassed about four hours of fine-motor-skills repetition and only a vague picture in my mind of the intended outcome. Perhaps oddly, I had decided some time ago the physical nature of the project was, on the whole, not nearly as important as these two factors:

1. It needed to be done as a matter of the inward development of patience, and
2. it deserved to be done as a matter of an offering of appreciation.

Sometimes one does something for the less intrinsic reasons rather than the physical, obvious reasons. Today's work could have gone undone forever and no one but myself would ever had known of my intention, subsequent failure to commit, and ultimately, the reason for that failure:  unwillingness to have patience whilst performing the act in and of itself.

I have come to the conclusion today that often times we rush work on things, simply buy something that is suitable but not really as meaningful, or fail to deal with situations at all, solely out of the craving for instant gratification. In what form this gratification comes is probably not as important as a person's attachment and desire for it, because we can each be somewhat different in respect to what specific cravings afflict our mind. In my case, I was concerned that the task I had chosen would become boring or that I would decide that it looked bad, but ultimately these concerns had to be set aside. While failure was an option, it would not be the result of my simply never trying something.

Look upon history and tell me that men such as Francis Scott Key or Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi were so consumed by the need for instant gratification. My projects scale in the span of hours and days; such men toiled for years! Quite frankly, I would say that true greatness never became of anyone so terribly afflicted with impatience – a fact that I hope I can retrain my mind to fully comprehend... in time...

As I prepare for rest tonight, I bring to mind that tomorrow is a day of Uposatha observance... and as such will serve as a day of additional moderation further mental consideration.  While I never seem to quite fully observe such days, I am confident that my efforts at each opportunity further my practice.  This serves as another area of my mind in which intent is present but the patience, among other qualities, may at times be lagging behind.

Friends, I hope you are well and I shall share again soon.

New Year, New Blogging, New Mentality

Funny how the each new year tends to bring new blogging -- sort of like new years resolutions, but not as serious nor as difficult to keep.  With that in mind, I have made some visual changes to the blog to bring a lighter, brighter look to it, and am even considering a "dynamic" layout, although I'll more seriously contemplate that at a later date.

As it pertains to new blogging, I thought I'd share what I'm starting to see materialize as the year starts.

First, my old high school buddy, author of "Ramblings" as well as a previous blog (the title of which escapes me now) has once again purged the net of his previous writings and started anew.  This new blog, aptly titled "Thoughts and Brain Farts," is a giant unknown and, aside from my memory of his previous blogs, I can only speculate as to what will be posted.  I always look forward to this man's insights into the world, regardless of how much I have sometimes disagreed with his conclusions, and am confident that his thought experiments will continue to find ways to make me reconsider that which I assume to be true (or false) at any given time.

Next up, my younger little sister has created her first blog, titled "Fyrefly's Requiem."  I imagine it will be particularly interesting to me to gain insight into her thoughts on life, especially in light of events pertaining to our father and the struggles she will undoubtedly face.

Finally, new insight into my older little sister's life with a recent post on Glass Syringes that caught me off guard by focusing on real-life considerations rather than gaming.  Not that I mean to say that talk of computer games is a bad thing, but the additional inside-look at things that are going on in her life is a good thing from my perspective.

So this year looks like it will bring some new blog content for me to focus my attention towards, which is especially interesting as my own blog starts to take an unexpected, somewhat religious / philosophical overtone.  I continue to hope that my writings, which I'll admit are primarily for my own exploratory benefit, will somehow benefit others, and that when reading the blogs of others I will find constructive, beneficial things to say in support of all who, like myself, suffer in one way or another, some greater some smaller, always.

In closing, I'd like to share a few lines of text I found a few months ago, the reciting of which I find beneficial toward the retraining and betterment of my mental well-being, particularly as it pertains to relating to other beings:

May I have no enmity

may I have no hurtfulness

may I have no troubles of mind and body

may I be able to protect my own happiness.

Whatever beings there are –

     may they have no enmity

whatever beings there are –

     may they have no hurtfulness

whatever beings there are –

     may they have no troubles of mind and body

whatever beings there are –

     may they be able to protect their own happiness.

Be well, and as we start this new year, remember that no matter our differences, no matter how much another wrongs us, we aren't really all that different in life, suffering, and death.  Goodnight, friends.

An Enjoyable Holiday

Yes, the Christmas holiday has come and gone, and I have returned to work (albeit, for what seems to be a light, no overtime, week). The days off were well spent, I believe, mainly focusing on time with my son (who will be seven years old in a few days) and family, some of whom I have not seen in a while.

Saturday consisted of a dinner with a portion of the family, those I term the “core” family, consisting of my wife's parents, siblings, and one of her grandparents. Gifts were exchanged and a dinner enjoyed – a pleasant diversion, as always, after which time the family went to Christmas Eve service at their church and I returned home for some meditation time. Some years, we have also taken an evening drive to see Christmas lights, but we didn't this year, mainly as a result of our son being more sleepy than average...

Of course, that didn't help him get to bed any earlier, but I digress...

Woke up early anyway, Sunday, not that I really had any complaint about it. Enjoyed coffee, then tea, while Dalton opened his gifts. He never finds reason to complain, even though we have always been pretty moderate as it pertains to his Christmas gifts, and is amazingly patient as to getting into the things he receives. I feel like we've done something right with him and I hope we can repeat it when the newborn arrives in a few weeks.

After the morning had passed, we spent the afternoon and early evening with family again, including but not limited to the aforementioned “core” group. A large dinner (and far too many snacks) were consumed, of course, after which we returned home. I spent the remainder of the evening playing The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (a Christmas gift, thanks to my wife's parents).

Monday was spent in Bellefontaine visiting my Dad, who, in his usual stubborn form, actually looks to be doing fairly well. Suffice to say, he doesn't look like a man that has been told by doctors that he will not live until June. Based on my own observations of him, I think he will exceed expectations by a noteworthy margin. My sisters seem to be doing pretty well, too.

A busy holiday weekend, and still alcohol free.  The first alcohol-free Christmas in twelve years, actually!

Before I close, I did want to share two more of the gifts I received this Christmas, and say some quick thank yous. First, to Michelle's sister Melissa, I wanted to say thank you for the amazing Chess set you gave me. I know such a gift requires considerable time and effort, and I greatly appreciate it. Michelle and I have already played on it, and I fully intend to get back into practice now that I have such a beautiful board with which to do so.

 

Second, I offer thanks to Michelle's parents for the Cardinals shirt. I'm sure I'll find an excuse to wear it downtown this coming summer, even if Pujols (the player named on the back of the shirt) is no longer with the team.

It always seems that people find the most interesting things to gift to me at Christmas time even though I tend to have no idea what to suggest to them when they ask "What do you want for Christmas?"  Even thought I spend a considerable amount of time trying to remind myself to not be too terribly attached to all of the "stuff" in the world, I greatly appreciate the thoughtfulness behind these gifts and will undoubtedly find some measure of enjoyment in them.

So, tonight I have started another book, Being Dharma: The Essence of the Buddha's Teachings, by Ajahn Chah.  I'm hopeful to complete this one prior to returning it and re-borrowing (and completing) The Lotus Sutra, but I suppose only time will prove whether I will succeed at that or not.  In any event, I'm looking forward to the new material and am certain I will find it useful.

Find peace and be well, friends.  I will write again soon.

On Reading, the Holiday, and Change in General

Each day I make the effort to do a certain amount of reading. This is a recently adopted habit for me (like, since I quit drinking two weeks ago), and an oddly enjoyable one which I intend to continue.

Of course, some of my reading is done in the form of my Study Guide, which has taken a central place in my daily practice. Each day I have three pages of what I consider “ritual reading:” my Affirmations, the taking of the Five Precepts, and a series of Daily Recollections. These are then, time permitting, followed by a brief piece on Idle Speech (basically when to speak or not to speak) and a reciting of the Heart Sutra. A passage from the Dhammapada generally follows. I go through this routine three or four times a day, with additional reading on certain days as appropriate.

For additional reading, particularly because I cannot expect to “learn” anything new through reciting and memorization of the same text every day, I am intent on keeping at least one book on hand at all times to read, maybe finding time each day for ten or so pages before setting it aside in order to complete my household duties and work.

The last couple weeks, I have been reading The Lotus Sutra (translated by Burton Watson). The book is long, and perhaps wordier than necessary, but I always feel like I received something, even if small, each day in my reading of it. Today, I read a passage that sort of speaks to how I have felt as I have progressed in my daily practice, and I thought it appropriate to share.

“We beg the most honored of heavenly and human beings

to turn the wheel of the unsurpassed Law.

Strike the great Dharma drum,

blow the great Dharma conch,

rain down the great Dharma rain all around

to save immeasurable living beings!

We direct all our faith and entreaties to you--

let your profound and far-reaching voice sound out!”

This struck me because I have found that my own internal feeling on everything I have been reading could be interpreted this way. I hadn't thought about it much, but I have been going from one source to another taking in as much as I can and applying it to my life, and then, at every turn, asking for more. My search for information seems never-ending, and the available supply of it similarly inexhaustible. It is raining personal truth all around me, and quite frankly, I'm having fun learning about and fitting it into my life.

So I will have to return this copy of The Lotus Sutra to the library on Friday so that another, possibly like-minded library patron might partake of his or her own share in this Dharma rain, and I find myself oddly happy. Sure, I'm making certain that I keep my place logged so that I can borrow the book another time and complete it, but I don't mind the idea that someone else will hopefully get something from it as I have and be made more complete by it, even if only in some infinitely small way.

In any event, I'll have another book to read in the meantime, so I'll continue to take in the information and, clearly, will not have to sit idle.

So we also have the holiday coming up, and I figured I'd switch topics briefly before I close for the night. Saturday I do believe my family will be going to church, so I am looking forward to some quiet time at home for reflection an reading that evening, and Sunday is the ever-important Christmas Day.

I'm looking forward to spending time with the family, including my wife's parents of course, and just enjoying my son's response to the day. I'm sure he'll be very pleased, and if past Christmases are any indication, he will be supremely well behaved (another reason I don't dread the holiday). He's never been the sort to get ill-mannered or hurried, so I like to think that we have raised him well, thus far.

Monday, we'll be driving to Bellefontaine to visit my family there and see how my father is doing. I'm hopeful that he will be in good spirits and not feeling too terribly unwell as a result of his chemo treatment last week. My posts on Facebook continually receive responses of well wishes and indications of prayer, both of which I know he greatly appreciates, so I thank you all for reading and for your compassion.

In closing, I do want to take a moment and say that I appreciate those of my friends and family who have not let my personal changes in mindset, beliefs, or behavior alienate me from them.  I do feel as if a few of my friends have basically stopped talking to me or limited contact with me, and I think that is unfortunate, but I won't be apologizing for it anytime soon.  If my intent is to become a better person, and that intent turns someone away, then I shall let them be so inclined without any malice.  Ultimately, I must file that under "Not My Problem," and move on in peace.

My hope is that you are well and at ease, my friends.

Low Moments

Late last night I had an unpleasant but necessary phone conversation with my father. Those who read regularly might recall that he has been ill for some time with nodular melanoma, an aggressive skin cancer. We talked for about half an hour (a very long phone conversation for him, by any measure). He has started a new round of chemo and wanted to talk about his experience, among other things.

While we talked, I found something he had written in one of his online publications that I believe illustrates the situation better than I can in my own words, so I will quote it here:

“A most difficult day that began with my Doctors taking me into a room with three other people waiting. I worked at a hospital for twenty years and I recognized immediately the purpose of this room. We used to refer to it as the “Grief Room.” These were “end of life” counselors that are typically brought in to give patients advice during the last ninety days. The doctors do not believe I can make it to my goal of June to get my youngest daughter out of High School. They may be right… but I am one determined father. Then the chemo was just awful. I had not realized any IV could be so painful as it burned the vein. I am light-headed and dizzy tonight but I am going through the nightly routines because I must. I am simply unready to surrender my life yet. I am having too much fun and too much left undone.”

Clearly, optimism as to his future is diminishing and preparative measures will need to be taken in the coming weeks so that as many loose ends are tied as possible before his condition worsens. That said, his resolve is strong and he is unwilling to give up. That stubbornness of his may pay off; if one gives up, it is effectively a self-fulfilling prophesy at that point: inevitable failure.

I'll continue to keep friends and family updated here and on Facebook as a receive new information. I appreciate everyone's well-wishes and consideration.

Remember the now, and be well, friends.

Reflection on a Week Without Alcohol

Last Tuesday night (super-early Wednesday morning, in actuality), I was enjoying my last (so far anyway) alcoholic beverage, a 24 oz. Busch Light as I recall, doing some reading and making some observations. It isn't often that I've decided to really pay attention to the manner in which I read – especially considering, until recently, I haven't really spent much time reading at all unless it was in a game of some sort. I noticed that, not only was I reading more slowly than I had earlier in the day (before work), but I was re-reading the same passages three and four times in order to properly grasp the meanings of the text.

This isn't as simple as not comprehending the words – I found myself skipping words; entire lines. I found it rather disconcerting that after consuming only 12 -16 oz of alcohol my ability to read was so seriously impaired. I imagined that all methods by which I could take in information were similarly compromised. I think this observation is what brought me to the conclusion that I needed to do something different.

After sleeping it off, I spent some time before work Wednesday reading about quitting drinking. Obviously, there are a great multitude of differing opinions on the best method, and no one particular source was any more helpful than another. I finally decided on a simple “cold turkey” approach, which seemed the most logical and has worked for me in the past. Maybe this doesn't work quite like smoking for most people, but I can honestly say that the easiest way to quit something is to simply quit.

As a result of quitting, I have noted an increase in my attentiveness at work and at home (during our home-schooling hours); at times I wouldn't have been drinking anyway. It is clear to me that the alcohol's effect on the brain, while most pronounced immediately after consumption, is still present many hours after the more immediate effect has worn off. These effects, I'm guessing, are cumulative over time, and seem to reduce over time much like the half-life of a radioactive isotope. I imagine I have some time ahead of me before fully realizing the benefit of this choice, but already I have had friends come to me and congratulate me, and, in one particular instance, open up to me about how unhelpful I had been on certain past occasions as a result of my heedlessness. Of course, I've also had some skeptical attitudes thrown at me, but all these words (positive or negative) have only strengthened my resolve, and I am thankful for them.

So I've gone seven days without so much as a sip of an alcoholic beverage, a feat I have not so much as tried to accomplish in over ten years. Am I terribly impressed? No, not really. There are other areas of my life in which much improvement is needed, and I've only truly started to reap the rewards of this particular change. That said, the rewards already have indeed been significant in the form of improved mental concentration in general, including extra “willpower” so-to-speak against the other various negative influences in life. I am hopeful that readers of this blog (however few of you there may be) can find something helpful or uplifting in this commentary. We each have struggles to overcome in life, and, quite clearly, one must admit that an issue exists to ever truly hope to address it.

Be well, friends, and thank you.

Thanksgiving in Review (and other news)

A couple weeks have passed since I last felt like updating, and a few worthwhile happenstances have taken place.

First and foremost, Thanksgiving:

My sisters came down to visit for the holiday weekend, providing an interesting, and enjoyable upheaval to the status quo at home. I actually felt like they connected a bit with my wife's family while they visited for the Thanksgiving meal, and over the weekend we had the chance to watch some Netflix shows that I would have never thought to watch (Death Note, for example). The visit gave Dalton some time with his aunts, something I think he misses out on far too much, and honestly, I think they miss out on him too (even if they don't realize it).

To the right, a photo of my sisters, myself, and my son enjoying Thanksgiving and discussing video gaming.  I seem to recall discussing PC vs. Console gaming; the advantages and disadvantages of each, particularly as it relates to multi-player gaming.  Below, left to right, my sisters (Shelly and Jenny) and my wife (Michelle) taken over the holiday weekend.

    

Additionally, in the weeks immediately prior to Thanksgiving, my son and I had begun playing hot seat games of Civilization V.  Interestingly, my son has gotten reasonably good at it (mind you, he is only six years old) and actually beat me in our first game.  Of course, I played at a significant disadvantage (Warlord difficulty vs. Settler) and spent much of the game giving him pointers instead of building my own country, but he has continued to display increasing skill in each subsequent game.  Below:  A brief video of him playing a turn of Civ over the Thanksgiving weekend.

Don't ask me what he's singing -- I seriously have no idea.  It was his last turn before bedtime, so I think his brain was shutting down already.

Now, moving on to more recent events; in what I've realized is probably an extremely surprising move on my part, I've decided to deepen my Dharma practice with the taking of the Fifth Precept. For anyone who's been keeping up with recent posts, you may recall that it is the abstaining of alcoholic beverages (primarily), something I have been hesitant to eliminate from my life. In fact, over ten years of habit-forming made the decision rather difficult to come to – I spent several weeks rationalizing my drinking with thoughts like “it isn't hurting anyone” and “it has not let me to get in trouble yet.”

Wednesday, I finally came to the point when I realized that my ability to progress spiritually (and mentally) was severely hindered by alcohol. Being a hindrance, it only makes sense that I work to eliminate it so that I have the opportunity to advance.

I won't promise to never drink an alcoholic drink again, but I do not need it in my home as a general rule, nor in any other place where I might choose to focus on the strengthening of my mind.  That said, I mentioned once that I had likely consumed over one million calories in my lifetime from alcohol alone, and I think it is reasonable to assume at this point that I would do well to restrict it for health reasons as well.

On the subject of Dharma practice, I have created a new study guide, which includes a number of improvements over the previous one.  Namely, it is printed in color, includes a number of tactile / appearance enhancements, and I've added nearly 40 pages of content.  It is also noteworthy that I spent some time fixing spelling and other typographical errors, as well as fixing an entire page that I somehow missed on the original booklet.

Right:  The new study guide, completed Sunday.

Below: Left is a corner view attempting to display a major enhancement on the finishing of the cover.  Right is an open-book view of the new one by itself.

In closing, be well friends.  I will try to post again soon.

Be Patient; Take Time to Reflect

I have spent a considerable amount of my spare time over the past two weeks working on a little project that I feel has helped me immeasurably in my practice of patience. I have always had a tendency to be difficult to calm when I am wanting to accomplish something. This has, on occasion, led me to become frustrated and fail to complete tasks, or to do such poor work that the result was worthless or the damage caused was difficult to repair.

In this case, I surprised myself by proving, with persistent optimism, that the time involved in a project or plan carried a value of it's own.

Today, I completed the task of assembling, binding, and decorating a personal study guide; a book with notes on philosophical reflection and practice, including a translation of the Dhammapada. Of course, my wife helped me to learn a simple binding technique, but I had to adapt it to the size of the book (38 sheets double-sided, 78 printed pages) and figure out a way to print the thing in the proper sequence (oddly, this isn't as simple as it sounds).

So I'm pleased to debut my first attempt at organizing and binding a book of this sort:

 

It is really amazing to me that something like this could be done using readily available materials and tools (thankfully, my wife had already purchased most of the supplies – it is all the sort of stuff that can be acquired at any hobby store). More interesting than this, however; is how much time I had available during which to get really frustrated and give up, but I didn't, in spite of a few setbacks. Quite frankly, I feel like I can be a sort of proof that the Buddha's teachings on reconditioning the mind against anger and frustration can truly work.

Instead of becoming frustrated at delay and error, I was able to take it all and see it for what it was: simple mistakes. If that is all there is to it, there was no evil intended. That, and the anger I could have felt would have yielded no positive outcome, and so it would have simply brought me down and caused suffering.

I feel like a lot of things in life are like this for me (and others). We simply need to remember that the anger wouldn't do any good anyway, so what is the reason for dwelling in it and letting it run us into a ditch? There is no reason.

Today, I have, with support and determination, finished a project of personal value to me that, had I gotten angry, would simply have never been completed. I took the time to truly reflect on the state of things, both within and outside of my person, and I can duplicate that success in the future. That fact has the most value of all things.

My advice to my friends tonight: Don't try too hard. Don't let anger prevent you from taking the time – having the patience – to complete a task properly. Further, look into yourself and don't be afraid to ask someone to help you when you know, deep down, that you aren't 100% able on your own. The beginning of human wisdom is the knowing that one does not know.

Good night, friends.  

Five Points of Conduct and Adherence

Tonight I'm spending a little time in consideration of my own daily behavior. I realize a great many of my actions are conditioned ones, mainly having been precipitated from some sort of behavioral norm that I have established over a long period of time, or, perhaps in a deeper sense, the result of prior karma manifesting itself in some way.

I have in the past few months adopted four specific principles that I believe are critical to my positive advancement as a person, whilst a fifth is continually in mind but a little beyond my own personal will for which to reach.

The first of these principles is that all life should have an equal opportunity to continue living happily. This can be difficult, one might imagine, either when confronted by certain breeds of evil that can be witnessed in humankind or when the urge to swat an annoying fly overtakes your body as it buzzes incessantly about your head. I have come to see that either life is just as valid as the other, and neither life is less sacred than my own.

This principle is guiding me towards a feeling of fellowship with all humankind (at a minimum) and is helping me to feel compassion for those that I meet from day to day, whether at work or out and about town. In an odd fashion, I actually feel connected to other people, and it is a very positive feeling for me.

The second of these principles is abstaining from taking that which is not given to me. This goes a little further than stealing, as I do not think that I am stealing if I take a piece of my child's Halloween candy (calling it his “taxes”) or, while at work, borrowing a cart or tape dispenser that I know someone else intends to use without asking. Regardless of whether theft takes place, it is not appropriate for me to simply take what I need for my own benefit, even if only momentarily, without taking proper consideration for the needs of others.

This of course ties into my above statement about compassion for others. Many times, the people I meet at work are already feeling terrible, depressed, or otherwise negative. The last thing they need is another person making anything worse, and if I can make anything even marginally better for them, we are both better off for my trying. In fact, I have noticed in the past weeks how nearly every coworker I meet seems to “shine” if I simply say a nice “Hello” to them in passing from time to time. That by itself is enough for me to feel like I'm doing something right.

The third principle is difficult for me but speaks very directly to my largest problems in life: I choose to abstain from sexual misconduct. No, I don't have a habit of cheating on my wife, but even the prolonged attachment to a sexual thought that is not of the proper nature must be shunned as it constitutes a huge distraction me and does absolutely nothing positive for me or anyone else. By actually paying attention to the thoughts in my mind as I see an attractive woman, for instance, I can often halt them and refocus myself of what I ought to be doing, and this can be done without feeling shame or guilt.

As I have found some measure of success in recent weeks on this matter, I am hopeful that continued contemplation will provide me even more mental stability in the face of the many physical distractions I see from day to day. Further, the unproductive shame that I might have felt trying to force this behavior “because of someone else” is avoided, furthering my ability to maintain as much focus as possible on my own path and work.

The fourth principle is, in short, to not lie. I don't really lie, as a general rule, but I can exaggerate from time to time, as if such exaggerations somehow make the things I'm saying so much more interesting to those who might be listening. This, for my purposes, constitutes a lie and is to be avoided. If I am asked a question, I should answer simply “It is so,” or “it is not so.” I need not make anything seem to be anything but what it in fact was.

By virtue of this blog, I'm sure some might notice that I can be a wordy person. I suppose it should suffice to say that I see how my wordiness leads me away from my path from time to time, and it is a choice to avoid such straying of my mind.

There is, of course, a fifth principle, but my own conditioned nature and personal will are not quite to the point where I'm ready to follow it fully. Maybe I never will, but (there is always a “but,” isn't there?) I have something to strive for. There should come a time in my life when I will choose to abstain from alcohol. The argument here is that the mind is muddied by such drink far more often than not, and my own intent to better myself and contemplate the self is not readily clear when alcohol is present.

Like I said, I'm not sure I'll ever be truly ready to give up alcohol, but I can say firmly that it's advance on my life is halted where it is, as I certainly gain nothing from progressing further into an alcoholic stupor. Today, while I cannot in earnest vow to undertake the abstention of intoxicants, I will vow to prevent myself from willingly consuming intoxicants to the point of heedlessness. Whether that is sufficient in the present time shall be henceforth an issue of karma and continued contemplation.

And so I write and post this somewhat for the benefit of others who might be walking the same path, and somewhat for myself as a reminder of where I have been and where I want to be later. I hope that makes a little sense...

Be well, friends.

I Don't Know...

Something I have come to realize of late is that all of the things I deal with in life, whether they be large are small, are somehow connected, related, or directly resultant from the things I have done before. Call it karma or simply call it cause and effect; it is effectively the same thing either way. My own lust for gratification, anger over perceived wrongs against me, or even simply the intent to just “do what I want to do” at any given moment has an effect on every moment subsequent to it.

Whether that seems positive or negative at the time is inconsequential, it simply is.

I can trace a great many of my own actions in this life to my own, limited understanding of samsara, referring particularly to my most memorable emotions, passions, and experiences. Many of the things I have done in life have been based solely on the misconceptions created in my mind by such feelings and impulses. False perceptions of the world that somehow I decided were true, and so I acted, without complete mindfulness. All of these occurrences have far-reaching implications on every single occurrence that followed it. Overall, I think I can say that I've been rather fortunate that, somehow, I haven't been led into greater disarray and confusion about life in general...

Tonight, I sit in this chair and contemplate how to best describe to my friends and loved ones that which is going on in my mind. Quite frankly, it is difficult because I don't really know. Oddly, this “not knowing” mind is possibly a great strength as I move forward. What am I? I don't know.

I know my obligations as a husband or father, or maybe as an employee, but these attachments do not define me. What am I? I don't know.

So I'll prepare for bed now with that thought on my mind. Will I ever truly answer it?

I don't know...

As a side note tonight, I've done a little updating and the keen observer may note six new images displayed in the Hickersonia's Slides segment (to the left). Several of the images displayed previously were terribly outdated or unimportant, and so I decided it best if I took a moment and “freshened” it.

As I get back into the routine of experimenting with Blogspot's capabilities (some of which may have changed since I last probed the subject), other such changes may be made. I suppose we shall see in time.

Good night, friends. Be well.

Tearing Down of Old Concepts

Or maybe simply bringing in new ones... I'm not sure sometimes.

In recent months I have been reluctant to post anything here, I'll admit. Some of this comes from my uncertainty of what to post, while another piece of the puzzle simply comes from not knowing how those things which are on my mind will be received.

I suppose, as it pertains to the latter, it could be said that I'm breaking down some of the barriers on that matter of late.

I've discussed religion a lot with my friends, and amongst others who care to have reasonable discourse, but I've had a solid seven or eight years in which I haven't been able to call myself “Christian” without cringing. Sure, I've always held some concept of a higher power or being that either provokes(ed) or creates(ed) things on Earth, but this belief has not done me many favors. Fact is, I've spent a number of years hating my fellow man; in a state of anger over most of what I see in life and, quite frankly, in doubt of everything that is decidedly “Christian.”

I've also seen enough selfishness and hate from those who call themselves Christian to figure that most of them have no idea what Christ actually preached.

So I guess the word that has best described my take on religion for some time now is “agnostic.” I have, and remain, unwilling to agree with any particular view that suggests that the creator of the universe can be known fully in our human state. With that said, I've had time to consider what that might really mean, and, to some degree, the ultimate meaninglessness of the question, and have come to a point where I believe I have made a major step in my own spiritual life.

As I said, I have found great anger and hatred in myself towards my fellow human being. The time for the extinguishing of that sentiment has long come and gone, and today I do not allow such negative feelings to fester long within me. To say they are gone entirely would be a lie, but I have broken the mental auto-conditioning that continually perpetuated the myth in my mind that any one person is “bad” and another person is “good.” I am slowly, but surely, breaking down the boundaries in my mind that give me the concept of “self” and the illusion that I am somehow completely independent from everyone else. Further, I am perfecting my understanding of what suffering truly is, its relation to all life in general, and how I can eliminate it in my own existence whilst helping to alleviate it in that of those I meet.

Realizing that we are all interconnected is a major step in my own personal breakthrough. Siddhattha Gotama figured this out nearly 26 centuries ago and spent a great deal of his life in so doing and sharing his insight on the matter. He is no god, but was a man who utilized the massive mental capacity of humankind with which he was born to consider life and it's shortcomings; to analyze himself, his connection to others, and the fact that we are not simply flesh and blood existing for a short time. He came to see our impact on one another and shared his understanding by which we can totally utilize the power of our minds to find an ultimate peace, free of suffering.

And to help others in so doing.

So what is the correct life? I've heard it said that, simply, correct life is if someone is hungry, you give them food. If they are thirsty, give them water. If somebody is suffering, help them. Use your human logic; create your own scenario and fill in the blank using the above-mentioned formula – it isn't terribly difficult.

This is basically what I feel like I'm growing toward. It isn't about specific religious practice, but the practice of mental lovingkindness that supersedes all the rubbish that might otherwise defile my mind and persuade me to be negative and to wrong my fellow man.

Do I have any pretense of ever being perfect? No.  Or more bluntly; hell no.

I do, however, believe that I can improve upon myself and become more than I am today. That, and I see the opportunity to promote positive attitudes in others, and hopefully, lessen their suffering as a result.

As I grow in this process, I am hopeful that I will find the time and interest to continue to share as I go along this new path in my life. Else-wise, this is going to be a pretty dead blog page, huh...  Ha!

Thanks for reading.  Be well, friends.