An Enjoyable Holiday

Yes, the Christmas holiday has come and gone, and I have returned to work (albeit, for what seems to be a light, no overtime, week). The days off were well spent, I believe, mainly focusing on time with my son (who will be seven years old in a few days) and family, some of whom I have not seen in a while.

Saturday consisted of a dinner with a portion of the family, those I term the “core” family, consisting of my wife's parents, siblings, and one of her grandparents. Gifts were exchanged and a dinner enjoyed – a pleasant diversion, as always, after which time the family went to Christmas Eve service at their church and I returned home for some meditation time. Some years, we have also taken an evening drive to see Christmas lights, but we didn't this year, mainly as a result of our son being more sleepy than average...

Of course, that didn't help him get to bed any earlier, but I digress...

Woke up early anyway, Sunday, not that I really had any complaint about it. Enjoyed coffee, then tea, while Dalton opened his gifts. He never finds reason to complain, even though we have always been pretty moderate as it pertains to his Christmas gifts, and is amazingly patient as to getting into the things he receives. I feel like we've done something right with him and I hope we can repeat it when the newborn arrives in a few weeks.

After the morning had passed, we spent the afternoon and early evening with family again, including but not limited to the aforementioned “core” group. A large dinner (and far too many snacks) were consumed, of course, after which we returned home. I spent the remainder of the evening playing The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (a Christmas gift, thanks to my wife's parents).

Monday was spent in Bellefontaine visiting my Dad, who, in his usual stubborn form, actually looks to be doing fairly well. Suffice to say, he doesn't look like a man that has been told by doctors that he will not live until June. Based on my own observations of him, I think he will exceed expectations by a noteworthy margin. My sisters seem to be doing pretty well, too.

A busy holiday weekend, and still alcohol free.  The first alcohol-free Christmas in twelve years, actually!

Before I close, I did want to share two more of the gifts I received this Christmas, and say some quick thank yous. First, to Michelle's sister Melissa, I wanted to say thank you for the amazing Chess set you gave me. I know such a gift requires considerable time and effort, and I greatly appreciate it. Michelle and I have already played on it, and I fully intend to get back into practice now that I have such a beautiful board with which to do so.

 

Second, I offer thanks to Michelle's parents for the Cardinals shirt. I'm sure I'll find an excuse to wear it downtown this coming summer, even if Pujols (the player named on the back of the shirt) is no longer with the team.

It always seems that people find the most interesting things to gift to me at Christmas time even though I tend to have no idea what to suggest to them when they ask "What do you want for Christmas?"  Even thought I spend a considerable amount of time trying to remind myself to not be too terribly attached to all of the "stuff" in the world, I greatly appreciate the thoughtfulness behind these gifts and will undoubtedly find some measure of enjoyment in them.

So, tonight I have started another book, Being Dharma: The Essence of the Buddha's Teachings, by Ajahn Chah.  I'm hopeful to complete this one prior to returning it and re-borrowing (and completing) The Lotus Sutra, but I suppose only time will prove whether I will succeed at that or not.  In any event, I'm looking forward to the new material and am certain I will find it useful.

Find peace and be well, friends.  I will write again soon.

On Reading, the Holiday, and Change in General

Each day I make the effort to do a certain amount of reading. This is a recently adopted habit for me (like, since I quit drinking two weeks ago), and an oddly enjoyable one which I intend to continue.

Of course, some of my reading is done in the form of my Study Guide, which has taken a central place in my daily practice. Each day I have three pages of what I consider “ritual reading:” my Affirmations, the taking of the Five Precepts, and a series of Daily Recollections. These are then, time permitting, followed by a brief piece on Idle Speech (basically when to speak or not to speak) and a reciting of the Heart Sutra. A passage from the Dhammapada generally follows. I go through this routine three or four times a day, with additional reading on certain days as appropriate.

For additional reading, particularly because I cannot expect to “learn” anything new through reciting and memorization of the same text every day, I am intent on keeping at least one book on hand at all times to read, maybe finding time each day for ten or so pages before setting it aside in order to complete my household duties and work.

The last couple weeks, I have been reading The Lotus Sutra (translated by Burton Watson). The book is long, and perhaps wordier than necessary, but I always feel like I received something, even if small, each day in my reading of it. Today, I read a passage that sort of speaks to how I have felt as I have progressed in my daily practice, and I thought it appropriate to share.

“We beg the most honored of heavenly and human beings

to turn the wheel of the unsurpassed Law.

Strike the great Dharma drum,

blow the great Dharma conch,

rain down the great Dharma rain all around

to save immeasurable living beings!

We direct all our faith and entreaties to you--

let your profound and far-reaching voice sound out!”

This struck me because I have found that my own internal feeling on everything I have been reading could be interpreted this way. I hadn't thought about it much, but I have been going from one source to another taking in as much as I can and applying it to my life, and then, at every turn, asking for more. My search for information seems never-ending, and the available supply of it similarly inexhaustible. It is raining personal truth all around me, and quite frankly, I'm having fun learning about and fitting it into my life.

So I will have to return this copy of The Lotus Sutra to the library on Friday so that another, possibly like-minded library patron might partake of his or her own share in this Dharma rain, and I find myself oddly happy. Sure, I'm making certain that I keep my place logged so that I can borrow the book another time and complete it, but I don't mind the idea that someone else will hopefully get something from it as I have and be made more complete by it, even if only in some infinitely small way.

In any event, I'll have another book to read in the meantime, so I'll continue to take in the information and, clearly, will not have to sit idle.

So we also have the holiday coming up, and I figured I'd switch topics briefly before I close for the night. Saturday I do believe my family will be going to church, so I am looking forward to some quiet time at home for reflection an reading that evening, and Sunday is the ever-important Christmas Day.

I'm looking forward to spending time with the family, including my wife's parents of course, and just enjoying my son's response to the day. I'm sure he'll be very pleased, and if past Christmases are any indication, he will be supremely well behaved (another reason I don't dread the holiday). He's never been the sort to get ill-mannered or hurried, so I like to think that we have raised him well, thus far.

Monday, we'll be driving to Bellefontaine to visit my family there and see how my father is doing. I'm hopeful that he will be in good spirits and not feeling too terribly unwell as a result of his chemo treatment last week. My posts on Facebook continually receive responses of well wishes and indications of prayer, both of which I know he greatly appreciates, so I thank you all for reading and for your compassion.

In closing, I do want to take a moment and say that I appreciate those of my friends and family who have not let my personal changes in mindset, beliefs, or behavior alienate me from them.  I do feel as if a few of my friends have basically stopped talking to me or limited contact with me, and I think that is unfortunate, but I won't be apologizing for it anytime soon.  If my intent is to become a better person, and that intent turns someone away, then I shall let them be so inclined without any malice.  Ultimately, I must file that under "Not My Problem," and move on in peace.

My hope is that you are well and at ease, my friends.

Low Moments

Late last night I had an unpleasant but necessary phone conversation with my father. Those who read regularly might recall that he has been ill for some time with nodular melanoma, an aggressive skin cancer. We talked for about half an hour (a very long phone conversation for him, by any measure). He has started a new round of chemo and wanted to talk about his experience, among other things.

While we talked, I found something he had written in one of his online publications that I believe illustrates the situation better than I can in my own words, so I will quote it here:

“A most difficult day that began with my Doctors taking me into a room with three other people waiting. I worked at a hospital for twenty years and I recognized immediately the purpose of this room. We used to refer to it as the “Grief Room.” These were “end of life” counselors that are typically brought in to give patients advice during the last ninety days. The doctors do not believe I can make it to my goal of June to get my youngest daughter out of High School. They may be right… but I am one determined father. Then the chemo was just awful. I had not realized any IV could be so painful as it burned the vein. I am light-headed and dizzy tonight but I am going through the nightly routines because I must. I am simply unready to surrender my life yet. I am having too much fun and too much left undone.”

Clearly, optimism as to his future is diminishing and preparative measures will need to be taken in the coming weeks so that as many loose ends are tied as possible before his condition worsens. That said, his resolve is strong and he is unwilling to give up. That stubbornness of his may pay off; if one gives up, it is effectively a self-fulfilling prophesy at that point: inevitable failure.

I'll continue to keep friends and family updated here and on Facebook as a receive new information. I appreciate everyone's well-wishes and consideration.

Remember the now, and be well, friends.

Reflection on a Week Without Alcohol

Last Tuesday night (super-early Wednesday morning, in actuality), I was enjoying my last (so far anyway) alcoholic beverage, a 24 oz. Busch Light as I recall, doing some reading and making some observations. It isn't often that I've decided to really pay attention to the manner in which I read – especially considering, until recently, I haven't really spent much time reading at all unless it was in a game of some sort. I noticed that, not only was I reading more slowly than I had earlier in the day (before work), but I was re-reading the same passages three and four times in order to properly grasp the meanings of the text.

This isn't as simple as not comprehending the words – I found myself skipping words; entire lines. I found it rather disconcerting that after consuming only 12 -16 oz of alcohol my ability to read was so seriously impaired. I imagined that all methods by which I could take in information were similarly compromised. I think this observation is what brought me to the conclusion that I needed to do something different.

After sleeping it off, I spent some time before work Wednesday reading about quitting drinking. Obviously, there are a great multitude of differing opinions on the best method, and no one particular source was any more helpful than another. I finally decided on a simple “cold turkey” approach, which seemed the most logical and has worked for me in the past. Maybe this doesn't work quite like smoking for most people, but I can honestly say that the easiest way to quit something is to simply quit.

As a result of quitting, I have noted an increase in my attentiveness at work and at home (during our home-schooling hours); at times I wouldn't have been drinking anyway. It is clear to me that the alcohol's effect on the brain, while most pronounced immediately after consumption, is still present many hours after the more immediate effect has worn off. These effects, I'm guessing, are cumulative over time, and seem to reduce over time much like the half-life of a radioactive isotope. I imagine I have some time ahead of me before fully realizing the benefit of this choice, but already I have had friends come to me and congratulate me, and, in one particular instance, open up to me about how unhelpful I had been on certain past occasions as a result of my heedlessness. Of course, I've also had some skeptical attitudes thrown at me, but all these words (positive or negative) have only strengthened my resolve, and I am thankful for them.

So I've gone seven days without so much as a sip of an alcoholic beverage, a feat I have not so much as tried to accomplish in over ten years. Am I terribly impressed? No, not really. There are other areas of my life in which much improvement is needed, and I've only truly started to reap the rewards of this particular change. That said, the rewards already have indeed been significant in the form of improved mental concentration in general, including extra “willpower” so-to-speak against the other various negative influences in life. I am hopeful that readers of this blog (however few of you there may be) can find something helpful or uplifting in this commentary. We each have struggles to overcome in life, and, quite clearly, one must admit that an issue exists to ever truly hope to address it.

Be well, friends, and thank you.

Thanksgiving in Review (and other news)

A couple weeks have passed since I last felt like updating, and a few worthwhile happenstances have taken place.

First and foremost, Thanksgiving:

My sisters came down to visit for the holiday weekend, providing an interesting, and enjoyable upheaval to the status quo at home. I actually felt like they connected a bit with my wife's family while they visited for the Thanksgiving meal, and over the weekend we had the chance to watch some Netflix shows that I would have never thought to watch (Death Note, for example). The visit gave Dalton some time with his aunts, something I think he misses out on far too much, and honestly, I think they miss out on him too (even if they don't realize it).

To the right, a photo of my sisters, myself, and my son enjoying Thanksgiving and discussing video gaming.  I seem to recall discussing PC vs. Console gaming; the advantages and disadvantages of each, particularly as it relates to multi-player gaming.  Below, left to right, my sisters (Shelly and Jenny) and my wife (Michelle) taken over the holiday weekend.

    

Additionally, in the weeks immediately prior to Thanksgiving, my son and I had begun playing hot seat games of Civilization V.  Interestingly, my son has gotten reasonably good at it (mind you, he is only six years old) and actually beat me in our first game.  Of course, I played at a significant disadvantage (Warlord difficulty vs. Settler) and spent much of the game giving him pointers instead of building my own country, but he has continued to display increasing skill in each subsequent game.  Below:  A brief video of him playing a turn of Civ over the Thanksgiving weekend.

Don't ask me what he's singing -- I seriously have no idea.  It was his last turn before bedtime, so I think his brain was shutting down already.

Now, moving on to more recent events; in what I've realized is probably an extremely surprising move on my part, I've decided to deepen my Dharma practice with the taking of the Fifth Precept. For anyone who's been keeping up with recent posts, you may recall that it is the abstaining of alcoholic beverages (primarily), something I have been hesitant to eliminate from my life. In fact, over ten years of habit-forming made the decision rather difficult to come to – I spent several weeks rationalizing my drinking with thoughts like “it isn't hurting anyone” and “it has not let me to get in trouble yet.”

Wednesday, I finally came to the point when I realized that my ability to progress spiritually (and mentally) was severely hindered by alcohol. Being a hindrance, it only makes sense that I work to eliminate it so that I have the opportunity to advance.

I won't promise to never drink an alcoholic drink again, but I do not need it in my home as a general rule, nor in any other place where I might choose to focus on the strengthening of my mind.  That said, I mentioned once that I had likely consumed over one million calories in my lifetime from alcohol alone, and I think it is reasonable to assume at this point that I would do well to restrict it for health reasons as well.

On the subject of Dharma practice, I have created a new study guide, which includes a number of improvements over the previous one.  Namely, it is printed in color, includes a number of tactile / appearance enhancements, and I've added nearly 40 pages of content.  It is also noteworthy that I spent some time fixing spelling and other typographical errors, as well as fixing an entire page that I somehow missed on the original booklet.

Right:  The new study guide, completed Sunday.

Below: Left is a corner view attempting to display a major enhancement on the finishing of the cover.  Right is an open-book view of the new one by itself.

In closing, be well friends.  I will try to post again soon.

Be Patient; Take Time to Reflect

I have spent a considerable amount of my spare time over the past two weeks working on a little project that I feel has helped me immeasurably in my practice of patience. I have always had a tendency to be difficult to calm when I am wanting to accomplish something. This has, on occasion, led me to become frustrated and fail to complete tasks, or to do such poor work that the result was worthless or the damage caused was difficult to repair.

In this case, I surprised myself by proving, with persistent optimism, that the time involved in a project or plan carried a value of it's own.

Today, I completed the task of assembling, binding, and decorating a personal study guide; a book with notes on philosophical reflection and practice, including a translation of the Dhammapada. Of course, my wife helped me to learn a simple binding technique, but I had to adapt it to the size of the book (38 sheets double-sided, 78 printed pages) and figure out a way to print the thing in the proper sequence (oddly, this isn't as simple as it sounds).

So I'm pleased to debut my first attempt at organizing and binding a book of this sort:

 

It is really amazing to me that something like this could be done using readily available materials and tools (thankfully, my wife had already purchased most of the supplies – it is all the sort of stuff that can be acquired at any hobby store). More interesting than this, however; is how much time I had available during which to get really frustrated and give up, but I didn't, in spite of a few setbacks. Quite frankly, I feel like I can be a sort of proof that the Buddha's teachings on reconditioning the mind against anger and frustration can truly work.

Instead of becoming frustrated at delay and error, I was able to take it all and see it for what it was: simple mistakes. If that is all there is to it, there was no evil intended. That, and the anger I could have felt would have yielded no positive outcome, and so it would have simply brought me down and caused suffering.

I feel like a lot of things in life are like this for me (and others). We simply need to remember that the anger wouldn't do any good anyway, so what is the reason for dwelling in it and letting it run us into a ditch? There is no reason.

Today, I have, with support and determination, finished a project of personal value to me that, had I gotten angry, would simply have never been completed. I took the time to truly reflect on the state of things, both within and outside of my person, and I can duplicate that success in the future. That fact has the most value of all things.

My advice to my friends tonight: Don't try too hard. Don't let anger prevent you from taking the time – having the patience – to complete a task properly. Further, look into yourself and don't be afraid to ask someone to help you when you know, deep down, that you aren't 100% able on your own. The beginning of human wisdom is the knowing that one does not know.

Good night, friends.  

Five Points of Conduct and Adherence

Tonight I'm spending a little time in consideration of my own daily behavior. I realize a great many of my actions are conditioned ones, mainly having been precipitated from some sort of behavioral norm that I have established over a long period of time, or, perhaps in a deeper sense, the result of prior karma manifesting itself in some way.

I have in the past few months adopted four specific principles that I believe are critical to my positive advancement as a person, whilst a fifth is continually in mind but a little beyond my own personal will for which to reach.

The first of these principles is that all life should have an equal opportunity to continue living happily. This can be difficult, one might imagine, either when confronted by certain breeds of evil that can be witnessed in humankind or when the urge to swat an annoying fly overtakes your body as it buzzes incessantly about your head. I have come to see that either life is just as valid as the other, and neither life is less sacred than my own.

This principle is guiding me towards a feeling of fellowship with all humankind (at a minimum) and is helping me to feel compassion for those that I meet from day to day, whether at work or out and about town. In an odd fashion, I actually feel connected to other people, and it is a very positive feeling for me.

The second of these principles is abstaining from taking that which is not given to me. This goes a little further than stealing, as I do not think that I am stealing if I take a piece of my child's Halloween candy (calling it his “taxes”) or, while at work, borrowing a cart or tape dispenser that I know someone else intends to use without asking. Regardless of whether theft takes place, it is not appropriate for me to simply take what I need for my own benefit, even if only momentarily, without taking proper consideration for the needs of others.

This of course ties into my above statement about compassion for others. Many times, the people I meet at work are already feeling terrible, depressed, or otherwise negative. The last thing they need is another person making anything worse, and if I can make anything even marginally better for them, we are both better off for my trying. In fact, I have noticed in the past weeks how nearly every coworker I meet seems to “shine” if I simply say a nice “Hello” to them in passing from time to time. That by itself is enough for me to feel like I'm doing something right.

The third principle is difficult for me but speaks very directly to my largest problems in life: I choose to abstain from sexual misconduct. No, I don't have a habit of cheating on my wife, but even the prolonged attachment to a sexual thought that is not of the proper nature must be shunned as it constitutes a huge distraction me and does absolutely nothing positive for me or anyone else. By actually paying attention to the thoughts in my mind as I see an attractive woman, for instance, I can often halt them and refocus myself of what I ought to be doing, and this can be done without feeling shame or guilt.

As I have found some measure of success in recent weeks on this matter, I am hopeful that continued contemplation will provide me even more mental stability in the face of the many physical distractions I see from day to day. Further, the unproductive shame that I might have felt trying to force this behavior “because of someone else” is avoided, furthering my ability to maintain as much focus as possible on my own path and work.

The fourth principle is, in short, to not lie. I don't really lie, as a general rule, but I can exaggerate from time to time, as if such exaggerations somehow make the things I'm saying so much more interesting to those who might be listening. This, for my purposes, constitutes a lie and is to be avoided. If I am asked a question, I should answer simply “It is so,” or “it is not so.” I need not make anything seem to be anything but what it in fact was.

By virtue of this blog, I'm sure some might notice that I can be a wordy person. I suppose it should suffice to say that I see how my wordiness leads me away from my path from time to time, and it is a choice to avoid such straying of my mind.

There is, of course, a fifth principle, but my own conditioned nature and personal will are not quite to the point where I'm ready to follow it fully. Maybe I never will, but (there is always a “but,” isn't there?) I have something to strive for. There should come a time in my life when I will choose to abstain from alcohol. The argument here is that the mind is muddied by such drink far more often than not, and my own intent to better myself and contemplate the self is not readily clear when alcohol is present.

Like I said, I'm not sure I'll ever be truly ready to give up alcohol, but I can say firmly that it's advance on my life is halted where it is, as I certainly gain nothing from progressing further into an alcoholic stupor. Today, while I cannot in earnest vow to undertake the abstention of intoxicants, I will vow to prevent myself from willingly consuming intoxicants to the point of heedlessness. Whether that is sufficient in the present time shall be henceforth an issue of karma and continued contemplation.

And so I write and post this somewhat for the benefit of others who might be walking the same path, and somewhat for myself as a reminder of where I have been and where I want to be later. I hope that makes a little sense...

Be well, friends.

I Don't Know...

Something I have come to realize of late is that all of the things I deal with in life, whether they be large are small, are somehow connected, related, or directly resultant from the things I have done before. Call it karma or simply call it cause and effect; it is effectively the same thing either way. My own lust for gratification, anger over perceived wrongs against me, or even simply the intent to just “do what I want to do” at any given moment has an effect on every moment subsequent to it.

Whether that seems positive or negative at the time is inconsequential, it simply is.

I can trace a great many of my own actions in this life to my own, limited understanding of samsara, referring particularly to my most memorable emotions, passions, and experiences. Many of the things I have done in life have been based solely on the misconceptions created in my mind by such feelings and impulses. False perceptions of the world that somehow I decided were true, and so I acted, without complete mindfulness. All of these occurrences have far-reaching implications on every single occurrence that followed it. Overall, I think I can say that I've been rather fortunate that, somehow, I haven't been led into greater disarray and confusion about life in general...

Tonight, I sit in this chair and contemplate how to best describe to my friends and loved ones that which is going on in my mind. Quite frankly, it is difficult because I don't really know. Oddly, this “not knowing” mind is possibly a great strength as I move forward. What am I? I don't know.

I know my obligations as a husband or father, or maybe as an employee, but these attachments do not define me. What am I? I don't know.

So I'll prepare for bed now with that thought on my mind. Will I ever truly answer it?

I don't know...

As a side note tonight, I've done a little updating and the keen observer may note six new images displayed in the Hickersonia's Slides segment (to the left). Several of the images displayed previously were terribly outdated or unimportant, and so I decided it best if I took a moment and “freshened” it.

As I get back into the routine of experimenting with Blogspot's capabilities (some of which may have changed since I last probed the subject), other such changes may be made. I suppose we shall see in time.

Good night, friends. Be well.

Tearing Down of Old Concepts

Or maybe simply bringing in new ones... I'm not sure sometimes.

In recent months I have been reluctant to post anything here, I'll admit. Some of this comes from my uncertainty of what to post, while another piece of the puzzle simply comes from not knowing how those things which are on my mind will be received.

I suppose, as it pertains to the latter, it could be said that I'm breaking down some of the barriers on that matter of late.

I've discussed religion a lot with my friends, and amongst others who care to have reasonable discourse, but I've had a solid seven or eight years in which I haven't been able to call myself “Christian” without cringing. Sure, I've always held some concept of a higher power or being that either provokes(ed) or creates(ed) things on Earth, but this belief has not done me many favors. Fact is, I've spent a number of years hating my fellow man; in a state of anger over most of what I see in life and, quite frankly, in doubt of everything that is decidedly “Christian.”

I've also seen enough selfishness and hate from those who call themselves Christian to figure that most of them have no idea what Christ actually preached.

So I guess the word that has best described my take on religion for some time now is “agnostic.” I have, and remain, unwilling to agree with any particular view that suggests that the creator of the universe can be known fully in our human state. With that said, I've had time to consider what that might really mean, and, to some degree, the ultimate meaninglessness of the question, and have come to a point where I believe I have made a major step in my own spiritual life.

As I said, I have found great anger and hatred in myself towards my fellow human being. The time for the extinguishing of that sentiment has long come and gone, and today I do not allow such negative feelings to fester long within me. To say they are gone entirely would be a lie, but I have broken the mental auto-conditioning that continually perpetuated the myth in my mind that any one person is “bad” and another person is “good.” I am slowly, but surely, breaking down the boundaries in my mind that give me the concept of “self” and the illusion that I am somehow completely independent from everyone else. Further, I am perfecting my understanding of what suffering truly is, its relation to all life in general, and how I can eliminate it in my own existence whilst helping to alleviate it in that of those I meet.

Realizing that we are all interconnected is a major step in my own personal breakthrough. Siddhattha Gotama figured this out nearly 26 centuries ago and spent a great deal of his life in so doing and sharing his insight on the matter. He is no god, but was a man who utilized the massive mental capacity of humankind with which he was born to consider life and it's shortcomings; to analyze himself, his connection to others, and the fact that we are not simply flesh and blood existing for a short time. He came to see our impact on one another and shared his understanding by which we can totally utilize the power of our minds to find an ultimate peace, free of suffering.

And to help others in so doing.

So what is the correct life? I've heard it said that, simply, correct life is if someone is hungry, you give them food. If they are thirsty, give them water. If somebody is suffering, help them. Use your human logic; create your own scenario and fill in the blank using the above-mentioned formula – it isn't terribly difficult.

This is basically what I feel like I'm growing toward. It isn't about specific religious practice, but the practice of mental lovingkindness that supersedes all the rubbish that might otherwise defile my mind and persuade me to be negative and to wrong my fellow man.

Do I have any pretense of ever being perfect? No.  Or more bluntly; hell no.

I do, however, believe that I can improve upon myself and become more than I am today. That, and I see the opportunity to promote positive attitudes in others, and hopefully, lessen their suffering as a result.

As I grow in this process, I am hopeful that I will find the time and interest to continue to share as I go along this new path in my life. Else-wise, this is going to be a pretty dead blog page, huh...  Ha!

Thanks for reading.  Be well, friends.  

Perspective...

A friend of mine made a comment on Facebook tonight that caught me by surprise; he asked why it is that most Americans look down on Asian people... and I found myself, for a fleeting moment, wanting to go on a tangent about political issues with China or North Korea....

But... it occurred to me, however, that this friend of mine is neither Chinese or Korean, nor if he was would he be part of the reasons for my distrust for either country. He is Cambodian, and I can fully admit that I know almost nothing about his country... and I don't really need to in order to know him or any other person from Cambodia.

While attempting to offer some reassurance that not all people feel negatively towards Asians, I kept thinking that my own personal distrust for China (in particular) and my attitude about the government (not the people) of that country could be very easily seen as “looking down” on Asians when seen out of context.

So sure, I have a negative opinion of the political policies of certain governments in Asia. That said, I should NEVER let that become some sort of judgment upon people of Asian decent, regardless of what country they might be from. I like to think that I've been good enough to see this before, but only now have I really thought about it, so I don't know for sure.

Fact is, there is nothing more “American” that being yourself at any cost. Maybe there is something prophetic in saying that, and I believe it to be one of the most true of all statements. America is about being free to be yourself and do whatever it is that your ambition... or your heart... might lead you to do. This truth applies to anyone, whether he or she be Cambodian, Chinese, Arab, or British, and is effectively a right that should not be infringed by any person.

My friends, I ask you all to be mindful of this in the way you conduct your daily lives. I know I must... for eventually, I imagine it will be more important that most of us can possibly imagine.

Good night, friends.

Happy, but Lacking

The question isn't whether I'm happy with life – most days, I really am, and I could swear an oath to that effect. That said, there does always seem to be some sort of hole in that fabric, dragging me down slightly, and I'm not entirely sure what it is... I could argue that it seems like, from day to day, I come closer and closer to pinning it down only to find that the problem has changed and isn't where I thought it once was, or maybe that I'm nowhere near figuring it out as I seem to always think I am...

If that makes any sense, anyway...

So I've been married 8 years... worked at the same company for 5 (and feel like my job is relatively secure)... and somehow my financial ends meet somewhere between near-chaos and complete self destruction every month. What do I have to complain about? I don't really know... and so I don't usually bother... but that doesn't mean that my mind is completely at ease. I guess I feel like my heart is sometimes in two places at once, leaving me lost and mentally defective at random moments. It is not a particularly pleasant sensation in and of itself, but also not entirely unwelcome so long as the end result continues towards my own personal betterment.

So, it has always been one of my goals to strive to be happy with that which I have already been blessed. That said, there is a part of me that isn't willing to settle for “sufficient” forever. I feel like I'm slowly working towards my own personal level of perfection, and I'm not sure where that will lead me from day to day.

So I suppose it may suffice to say that I continue to wrestle my way through a host of variables in my mind, including the seemingly perpetual fight against my own self (attitude, weight, appearance, whatever) on matters that no one necessarily has to see unless they want to...

Good night, my friends. Be well.

Sorting Things Out

Well, this isn't going to make a lot of sense because I don't necessarily feel compelled to share too much on what has been on my mind since my last post. At least not yet, anyway. Suffice to say, I have been quite busy sorting out some fairly serious things, and I tend to be a little out of the ordinary when that sort of thing takes place.

Fact is, maybe in some tiny ways I'm not done sorting them out, but after some considerable temptations I feel like I've come out on top – made the more honorable, dare I say “righteous,” decisions and kept intact that which really matters to me.

On a side note, somewhat as a random repercussion of my stress over the last few weeks, I have made significant strides in managing my weight. Since my last post, I've shed a little more than 20 pounds. That's about 10% of my body mass, and I must say I am feeling really good about it. It may only be in my mind, but I feel “sexy” for a change, and you can imagine that such a feeling does wonders for one's attitude about... well... pretty much everything.

Fact is, if I quit drinking, I'd probably be down to my goal weight of 170 by Christmas... but, quite frankly, I'm not in THAT big of a hurry... and I think I have a few more tricks up my sleeve that might still get me there. We'll see...

In any event, I wanted to express that I haven't forgotten entirely about the blog, but obviously have had things on my mind that didn't rank highly on my “crap I want to tell random people about” list.

Place the quote: “I was thinking. And it hurt! Hurt my head!”

On that... in all actuality, thinking usually hurts my stomach... at least when it is the “serious” sort of stuff... Meh...

Be well, friends!  

Jobs Statistics?

Every week, or so it seems anymore, an article is published on one of the major news sites I watch about job creation statistics. While, all throughout the week, I read about companies dropping thousands of workers, somehow there are statistics out there that regularly show that the economy is “improving” and new jobs are being created in greater number than those lost in the same time period.

What no one seems to be discussing is the parity between the jobs lost and the jobs created. What I mean by that is, as far as I can tell, no one is evaluating the overall difference in compensation between the jobs lost and the jobs created.

Using the amazing powers of observation, I could deduce, however, that there is a difference, and that it is probably pretty significant.

First, I think it is worth mentioning that I don't see a lot of “Help Wanted” or “Now Hiring” signs or ads, but when I do, the jobs I see advertised are not impressive. Places like McDonalds always appear to be hiring, probably because the bulk of their workforce always seems to be under the age of 18 and those “kids” are probably heading off to college for large portions of the year. Basically, I don't really count working a fast food joint as having a “job” unless you're at least an assistant manager, and even that doesn't pay all that great and tends to leave much to be desired on insurance and long term financial planning (such as 401k programs).

I see a lot of warehouses offering jobs as pickers / packers starting around $9 (if you take the worst-offered shift). Again, that hardly counts as a “job” if you compare it to the thousands of high-end positions eliminated over the last month at companies developing pharmaceuticals or tech gadgets.

Maybe looking at a site like monster.com yields better results for some people, but every time I look about half the listings appear to be bogus (“werk at hom and make $100,000 a YEAR!”) and most of the ones that look legitimate make about the same pay I do working in a warehouse.

So what I'm attempting to illuminate is the fact that a lot of people see jobs numbers in the positive and think things are improving, but the numbers don't tell the whole story. I think we all need to be honest with ourselves – what we observe with our senses does not always mesh well with what we are being told by the media or government. I don't see anything improving in my little corner of the world, do you?

Also, while I have the moment, I want to share a link that tries to show the volume of debt currently being shuffled around by the U.S. federal government in a graphical format. Oh, come now, in light of the credit downgrade this week, you knew I wasn't going to let that subject drop, right?

http://usdebt.kleptocracy.us/

In game or life, “There is safety... in mindfulness.”

Be well, friends.

Never Before Debt Default Fallacy

Okay folks, I get it...  Everyone wants to believe that the United States has never defaulted on it's financial obligations, but this fallacy goes too far when news organizations, such as Fox News did today, perpetuate the lie in print:

(red underline added by me)

Article here:  http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/07/20/senate-republicans-show-flexibility-in-debt-debate/

Above, Fox News perpetuates this idea that the United States has a perfect debt repayment record, but a simple Google search reveals the error in this assertion.  In 1979, for instance, due to error more than anything else, the Treasury Department was late making payments on T-bills, resulting in late payments in excess of $100 million.

And of course, lets not forget the Joint Resolution To assure uniform value to the coins and currencies of the United States, signed in 1933, which refuted the concept of the Gold Standard.  Again, Google it if you want to know more -- I've posted about it previously.

My point here is that if the media is pushing lies and misinformation such as this, they are doing more harm than good.  Use your brains and think about what they give you -- don't just accept it as truth without questioning.

World Debt Apocalypse

Okay folks, in light of the massive looming debt crisis here in the United States, I'm inclined to do a little writing.

Most of us have read at least a little about the 14 + trillion dollar “debt ceiling” that the idiots in Congress are arguing over of late. It would seem that there is argument over whether that's a lot of money or not, whether they should be allowed to borrow more, and what the impact would be if this limit isn't increased.

I'm not really sure that I care to get into all of that at the moment because, quite frankly, I don't see a good end to it regardless of what happens. I did, however, do a little reading on debt in general.

So, when you and I go into debt, generally there is someone to whom we owe money, and the prevailing logic would be that this person or entity has money in abundance, and thus would have little or no need to incur any debt of it's own.

Of course, this is a logical fallacy. One being able to lend money has no correlation with one's own ability to stay out of debt.

In terms of the world debt situation, there seem to be very, very few countries that have little or no debt, and those countries are, in fact, not the kind of countries anyone would flock to for a loan. Inversely, even China (the largest single holder of U.S. treasury debt) has a national debt of it's own, officially equivalent to around 400 billion dollars (although I've read some articles pegging it closer to one trillion).

If every country on the planet owes money to another (or to many others) and no single one on the planet has any actual money to pay any of them, doesn't that kinda look like a really bad scenario waiting to happen? With all of this massive debt laying around, I would think that someone out there would have to have a shit-ton of money laying around, or at least a giant, debt-free, warehouse full of IOUs. But, thanks to the inventors of fractional reserve banking, this simply is not the case.

I've posted about this sort of thing before, but I can't speak out enough about it. Here's another, easy to find but probably often ignored, link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fractional-reserve_banking

This system, simply put, allows for a situation to exist where there is more debt in existence than there is actual currency with which to repay it. This is what leads to what I said above – everyone owes but nobody has any!

I guess I'm not supposed to have an opinion on that, huh... I'm just supposed to shut up and go to work. Speaking of which... 

Greater Cincinnati Water Works

Or doesn't, perhaps...

In any event, I am once again subject to the whimsy of the water utility from Cincinnati, and am already being punished for it.

Last night we received our first quarterly bill from GCWW. It is a partial bill, and we were told we'd get it, so that wasn't a surprise in any of itself. For 21 days service, we were billed $44.71, which I think is extremely high but, again, I knew it would be. The icing on the cake, however, is yet to come...

The previous tenant hadn't paid HIS last bill... and GCWW tells me I have to do it.

After explaining that I do not own the house, the guy kindly informed me that it may not be my responsibility to pay it, but if I want my water to remain on, SOMEONE will have to pay it.

After doing a little research, I decided to call PUCO, the utilities commission here. Sadly, not enough research apparently because PUCO doesn't do anything with this particular water utility because it is a municipal system (I didn't realize that), but they did tell me that I can call the mayor's office and complain.

Odd, I think, that I'm calling the mayor's office of a city in which I do not live nor pay taxes to complain about a utility that I always figured was a private corporation in the first place. Surprisingly, though, the person I spoke to there seemed to want to help me, but admittedly offered no advice on how to proceed in the matter. Apparently she'll call me back. :-/

So now I'm left with calling our landlord to discuss how to handle this bill as expediently as possible. It is my hope that we'll simply agree to deduct it from my next rent payment and I can get the thing paid in full immediately. If not, while I'm not in a hurry to start a shit storm, I have to wonder if this could somehow constitute a violation of our lease on their part...

I honestly don't see how it is that anyone has the right to take a debt incurred by one person and impose it upon another in this manner, but I'm dealing with the water utility and, all kidding aside, I have never had a particularly positive relationship with any water utility...  

A Ramble on Milestones

I feel like I'm hitting a couple of significant milestones this year, so I kinda feel like talking about that for a moment.

We all gauge the progress of our lives in different ways, on that much I think most people can agree. Some of us think of the passing of time in terms of what job we were working or which woman we were with at any given point on the time line, and I can only imagine that many people find a multitude of different, sometimes odd ways, to delineate the passage of time.

I have a few different means for measuring time that are significant to me today. The first is the measure of my marriage, which, in August, will reach eight years into my past. Reaching two years further would be the date when I met my wife. Yes, she and I have been together an entire decade. Another significant measure of time for me would be my son's lifespan, currently six years. So, in a four year period, I met my wife, married her, and had our first child.

In the six years proceeding, there are only a few other noteworthy milestones, but they're pretty big...

First, our move to Cincinnati (and the employment changes that came with it). Moving was a big change for me, going from the small-town mentality to managing my time in perspective of the larger city. That, and my employment change was massive – warehouse work is a huge culture shock to someone having worked a IT help desk for nine years previous. While I see the move as having been a very positive thing for my family, it was not a good change for me singularly, and it has brought about a number of various issues in my life that I have dealt with over time.

While dealing with the stress of preparing to move, and subsequently dealing with the new job and seemingly insane people I had to get used to working with, I note for the record that I quickly became “that guy” that drinks every night without a reason. Today, this milestone I see is a bit more approximate, but significant none the less... Accounting for days when I was ill, I can safely estimate that I have consumed an average of four alcoholic beverages every night over the past 2,000 nights. That's over one-million calories for anyone keeping score, meaning I could possibly weight in about 125 pounds lighter today had I never drank a drop of it.

And that isn't said in an effort to suggest that I intend to quit drinking... I'm simply too analytical to not see it for what it is, and it is a systematic change that has affected my life dramatically over the years.

So the fact is that I've effectively become a “functional alcoholic” in the last five or so years while adapting to a giant home and family change that then became an ugly, and belated fiscal policy change – another milestone, if you will. In many ways, our choice to move to Cincinnati forced us into bankruptcy, albeit not because of the move itself but my own estimation that we would at least make income equal to 70% of what we had made prior to the move.

We didn't, and still don't.

It took a few years, but we finally realized that we were going bankrupt two years ago and made a series of changes to our financial policy that have kept our main bills paid while discharging all the ones we couldn't afford anymore, including two cars, a house, and over $20,000 in credit card debt.

It also included a personal loan to my dad, which to this day I am frustrated at not having been able to repay...

So now I start to move into familiar territory...

Aside from my Dad's recent diagnosis with cancer (which I don't feel like discussing today), I also had a significant event among my circle of friends.  Four months ago I made a drive northward to visit two of them, the only two from my high school days that I have retained any concern for over the years. That said, I have come to recognize this event as a bit of a closure, in that I seem immensely less likely to see two friends again in the near future... and in a way, while we are still friends in the sense that matters, we are no longer friends in the manner such as we were 11-12 years ago...

Sure, it is common for friends to sort of move on after high school, but I guess I only realized it had happened to us after this one particular get-together. Both of these friends and I have had but a few actual conversations since that day, and one has been so far aloof as to post on Twitter that he has a new phone number but he has not bothered to tell me what it is – which kind of feels like a slap in the face to me, but in an odd sort of way I'm okay with it, if maybe a little irritated, because I figure I'm easy enough to reach that anyone that really wants to will call when they want.

Fact is, I grew tired of being ignored and forgotten when I need a friend around that same time, and I have since given up on the idea that anyone really wants to listen to me talk about my troubles.

So I guess the odd thing is that most days I feel happy when I go to sleep and happy (if maybe a litltle groggy) when I wake up. That is pretty damned amazing considering how much I complain about nearly every person and everything that irritates me throughout every day... I kinda wonder if there will eventually be a day when I will look into the past and say that 2,000 days have passed since I started feeling happy inside again.