Happy, but Lacking

The question isn't whether I'm happy with life – most days, I really am, and I could swear an oath to that effect. That said, there does always seem to be some sort of hole in that fabric, dragging me down slightly, and I'm not entirely sure what it is... I could argue that it seems like, from day to day, I come closer and closer to pinning it down only to find that the problem has changed and isn't where I thought it once was, or maybe that I'm nowhere near figuring it out as I seem to always think I am...

If that makes any sense, anyway...

So I've been married 8 years... worked at the same company for 5 (and feel like my job is relatively secure)... and somehow my financial ends meet somewhere between near-chaos and complete self destruction every month. What do I have to complain about? I don't really know... and so I don't usually bother... but that doesn't mean that my mind is completely at ease. I guess I feel like my heart is sometimes in two places at once, leaving me lost and mentally defective at random moments. It is not a particularly pleasant sensation in and of itself, but also not entirely unwelcome so long as the end result continues towards my own personal betterment.

So, it has always been one of my goals to strive to be happy with that which I have already been blessed. That said, there is a part of me that isn't willing to settle for “sufficient” forever. I feel like I'm slowly working towards my own personal level of perfection, and I'm not sure where that will lead me from day to day.

So I suppose it may suffice to say that I continue to wrestle my way through a host of variables in my mind, including the seemingly perpetual fight against my own self (attitude, weight, appearance, whatever) on matters that no one necessarily has to see unless they want to...

Good night, my friends. Be well.