I'm Still Upset

I'm still upset.

Not that the reasons for my irritation are entirely out of my control... Surely some of my own decisions (and at times, indecision) influenced the situation. Of course, some of those decisions were probably influenced by those things that were entirely unpredictable, and as such I have less trouble further reducing my own perceived personal responsibility on the matters. Perception is everything right? If I don't feel like I should be responsible for something, am I still?

Perhaps.

In any event, a great many things led to the Hickersonian financial meltdown in 2009, and as I said a moment ago, I'm still upset.

I'm still upset about the loss of one of my jobs in January of 2009. This event has served as the catalyst for nearly every financial policy change made since. The reasons for termination were crap at best, and since my employment was severed remotely, I was never given an opportunity to let my side of the matter be heard. This was something that I firmly believe was out of my command entirely, and I could speak volumes about this job and how it ended... but I don't think that would serve much purpose here.

Following the job loss, there are certainly moments of indecision, or even just failure to act on decisions (which I suppose amounts to the same thing) for which I take full credit. For instance, there were numerous occasions in which I felt that I needed to find a new part time job doing anything that would provide our budget with at least an extra 200$ every month (about 1/6^th of what the previous part time gig provided). I figured that this, along with a package of budget cuts that I felt were nearly impossible at the time, would be enough to stave off most potential disasters. Since the bankruptcy, we've managed to enact nearly every budget cut that I ever considered prior to August of 2009, so the cuts were indeed possible, and honestly, I don't feel like we are worse for it.

Of course, I'm not entirely sure that getting another job and cutting expenses would have saved us in the long run. One of our early, pre-bankruptcy financial policy changes involved the so-called “sale” of one of our vehicles (and it's 370$ monthly payment) to one of our friends. I say “so-called” because the vehicle had to remain in our name because this friend was unable to finance it himself. For six or seven months he seemed to have no difficulty whatsoever paying for it, but when illness struck his wife payments became impossible for him, leaving me responsible for the payments while he continued to drive the vehicle... for a time, anyway.

As we prepared for the bankruptcy, we did end up “repo-ing” the car, so to speak, but it was difficult. I'm still upset that he didn't just return it to us the moment he couldn't pay for it anymore, but I am further upset that I even allowed to whole fiasco to take place. While I'm not sure there was much I could have done to avoid the bankruptcy, I do think I could have maintained the friendship had I simply never entered into the deal with him.

I'm also still upset with myself for my anger with this friend as I came to learn a few months ago that his wife passed away as a result of her illness... but I'm not entirely sure my actions could have been avoided.

My frustration continues to linger about loosing our house, even if I'm still convinced it was the right decision. To this day we still receive quarterly waste water and trash bills for the property because of various local legalities that leave us responsible for the property until the foreclosure process completes, even though we have no property rights there – we can't even legally enter the dwelling! It is possible that I wouldn't be so upset about this still if it weren't for these continual reminders...

That is one thing no one tells you when you start the bankruptcy process: is that sometimes you're still on the hook for certain expenses even though the trustee has abandoned your claims to the properties in question. I feel like I have every right to be a bit upset about that still... not that it would have changed anything, really.

So today I stand on the other side of the bankruptcy, feeling like we're doing better, but only (quite frankly) because of the charity of others, in particular my wife's family. I wouldn't even have a vehicle to drive to work if it weren't for them, and I remember this debt that we cannot repay daily. I admit, this further upsets me – I don't feel like I'm ever going to see true independence as a man, like I'm going to have to rely on others forever to keep my financial policies working even though, at least on paper, every financial plan I have ever created is logical and consistent with our goals and needs.

It is hard for some people (such as myself) to remember that life can't be plotted out on paper logically. I suppose if it could be, it would be too easy and probably not worth living, but it would certainly be more sensible and predictable.

So I continue to work for a company that, at times, seems hell-bent on my destruction simply to bring home a sufficient amount of currency to allow us to pay our rent and utilities and (hopefully) keep our vehicles running. No wage increase this year, of course (what's a raise?), so while we watch all of our costs going up our wages freeze (or decrease, in some cases). We're moving again this September simply because the rent at our current place is too high for us even if it remains the same (which it wouldn't).

And every day I find myself wondering, “What's next?”