An Enjoyable Holiday

Yes, the Christmas holiday has come and gone, and I have returned to work (albeit, for what seems to be a light, no overtime, week). The days off were well spent, I believe, mainly focusing on time with my son (who will be seven years old in a few days) and family, some of whom I have not seen in a while.

Saturday consisted of a dinner with a portion of the family, those I term the “core” family, consisting of my wife's parents, siblings, and one of her grandparents. Gifts were exchanged and a dinner enjoyed – a pleasant diversion, as always, after which time the family went to Christmas Eve service at their church and I returned home for some meditation time. Some years, we have also taken an evening drive to see Christmas lights, but we didn't this year, mainly as a result of our son being more sleepy than average...

Of course, that didn't help him get to bed any earlier, but I digress...

Woke up early anyway, Sunday, not that I really had any complaint about it. Enjoyed coffee, then tea, while Dalton opened his gifts. He never finds reason to complain, even though we have always been pretty moderate as it pertains to his Christmas gifts, and is amazingly patient as to getting into the things he receives. I feel like we've done something right with him and I hope we can repeat it when the newborn arrives in a few weeks.

After the morning had passed, we spent the afternoon and early evening with family again, including but not limited to the aforementioned “core” group. A large dinner (and far too many snacks) were consumed, of course, after which we returned home. I spent the remainder of the evening playing The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (a Christmas gift, thanks to my wife's parents).

Monday was spent in Bellefontaine visiting my Dad, who, in his usual stubborn form, actually looks to be doing fairly well. Suffice to say, he doesn't look like a man that has been told by doctors that he will not live until June. Based on my own observations of him, I think he will exceed expectations by a noteworthy margin. My sisters seem to be doing pretty well, too.

A busy holiday weekend, and still alcohol free.  The first alcohol-free Christmas in twelve years, actually!

Before I close, I did want to share two more of the gifts I received this Christmas, and say some quick thank yous. First, to Michelle's sister Melissa, I wanted to say thank you for the amazing Chess set you gave me. I know such a gift requires considerable time and effort, and I greatly appreciate it. Michelle and I have already played on it, and I fully intend to get back into practice now that I have such a beautiful board with which to do so.

 

Second, I offer thanks to Michelle's parents for the Cardinals shirt. I'm sure I'll find an excuse to wear it downtown this coming summer, even if Pujols (the player named on the back of the shirt) is no longer with the team.

It always seems that people find the most interesting things to gift to me at Christmas time even though I tend to have no idea what to suggest to them when they ask "What do you want for Christmas?"  Even thought I spend a considerable amount of time trying to remind myself to not be too terribly attached to all of the "stuff" in the world, I greatly appreciate the thoughtfulness behind these gifts and will undoubtedly find some measure of enjoyment in them.

So, tonight I have started another book, Being Dharma: The Essence of the Buddha's Teachings, by Ajahn Chah.  I'm hopeful to complete this one prior to returning it and re-borrowing (and completing) The Lotus Sutra, but I suppose only time will prove whether I will succeed at that or not.  In any event, I'm looking forward to the new material and am certain I will find it useful.

Find peace and be well, friends.  I will write again soon.

On Reading, the Holiday, and Change in General

Each day I make the effort to do a certain amount of reading. This is a recently adopted habit for me (like, since I quit drinking two weeks ago), and an oddly enjoyable one which I intend to continue.

Of course, some of my reading is done in the form of my Study Guide, which has taken a central place in my daily practice. Each day I have three pages of what I consider “ritual reading:” my Affirmations, the taking of the Five Precepts, and a series of Daily Recollections. These are then, time permitting, followed by a brief piece on Idle Speech (basically when to speak or not to speak) and a reciting of the Heart Sutra. A passage from the Dhammapada generally follows. I go through this routine three or four times a day, with additional reading on certain days as appropriate.

For additional reading, particularly because I cannot expect to “learn” anything new through reciting and memorization of the same text every day, I am intent on keeping at least one book on hand at all times to read, maybe finding time each day for ten or so pages before setting it aside in order to complete my household duties and work.

The last couple weeks, I have been reading The Lotus Sutra (translated by Burton Watson). The book is long, and perhaps wordier than necessary, but I always feel like I received something, even if small, each day in my reading of it. Today, I read a passage that sort of speaks to how I have felt as I have progressed in my daily practice, and I thought it appropriate to share.

“We beg the most honored of heavenly and human beings

to turn the wheel of the unsurpassed Law.

Strike the great Dharma drum,

blow the great Dharma conch,

rain down the great Dharma rain all around

to save immeasurable living beings!

We direct all our faith and entreaties to you--

let your profound and far-reaching voice sound out!”

This struck me because I have found that my own internal feeling on everything I have been reading could be interpreted this way. I hadn't thought about it much, but I have been going from one source to another taking in as much as I can and applying it to my life, and then, at every turn, asking for more. My search for information seems never-ending, and the available supply of it similarly inexhaustible. It is raining personal truth all around me, and quite frankly, I'm having fun learning about and fitting it into my life.

So I will have to return this copy of The Lotus Sutra to the library on Friday so that another, possibly like-minded library patron might partake of his or her own share in this Dharma rain, and I find myself oddly happy. Sure, I'm making certain that I keep my place logged so that I can borrow the book another time and complete it, but I don't mind the idea that someone else will hopefully get something from it as I have and be made more complete by it, even if only in some infinitely small way.

In any event, I'll have another book to read in the meantime, so I'll continue to take in the information and, clearly, will not have to sit idle.

So we also have the holiday coming up, and I figured I'd switch topics briefly before I close for the night. Saturday I do believe my family will be going to church, so I am looking forward to some quiet time at home for reflection an reading that evening, and Sunday is the ever-important Christmas Day.

I'm looking forward to spending time with the family, including my wife's parents of course, and just enjoying my son's response to the day. I'm sure he'll be very pleased, and if past Christmases are any indication, he will be supremely well behaved (another reason I don't dread the holiday). He's never been the sort to get ill-mannered or hurried, so I like to think that we have raised him well, thus far.

Monday, we'll be driving to Bellefontaine to visit my family there and see how my father is doing. I'm hopeful that he will be in good spirits and not feeling too terribly unwell as a result of his chemo treatment last week. My posts on Facebook continually receive responses of well wishes and indications of prayer, both of which I know he greatly appreciates, so I thank you all for reading and for your compassion.

In closing, I do want to take a moment and say that I appreciate those of my friends and family who have not let my personal changes in mindset, beliefs, or behavior alienate me from them.  I do feel as if a few of my friends have basically stopped talking to me or limited contact with me, and I think that is unfortunate, but I won't be apologizing for it anytime soon.  If my intent is to become a better person, and that intent turns someone away, then I shall let them be so inclined without any malice.  Ultimately, I must file that under "Not My Problem," and move on in peace.

My hope is that you are well and at ease, my friends.

Low Moments

Late last night I had an unpleasant but necessary phone conversation with my father. Those who read regularly might recall that he has been ill for some time with nodular melanoma, an aggressive skin cancer. We talked for about half an hour (a very long phone conversation for him, by any measure). He has started a new round of chemo and wanted to talk about his experience, among other things.

While we talked, I found something he had written in one of his online publications that I believe illustrates the situation better than I can in my own words, so I will quote it here:

“A most difficult day that began with my Doctors taking me into a room with three other people waiting. I worked at a hospital for twenty years and I recognized immediately the purpose of this room. We used to refer to it as the “Grief Room.” These were “end of life” counselors that are typically brought in to give patients advice during the last ninety days. The doctors do not believe I can make it to my goal of June to get my youngest daughter out of High School. They may be right… but I am one determined father. Then the chemo was just awful. I had not realized any IV could be so painful as it burned the vein. I am light-headed and dizzy tonight but I am going through the nightly routines because I must. I am simply unready to surrender my life yet. I am having too much fun and too much left undone.”

Clearly, optimism as to his future is diminishing and preparative measures will need to be taken in the coming weeks so that as many loose ends are tied as possible before his condition worsens. That said, his resolve is strong and he is unwilling to give up. That stubbornness of his may pay off; if one gives up, it is effectively a self-fulfilling prophesy at that point: inevitable failure.

I'll continue to keep friends and family updated here and on Facebook as a receive new information. I appreciate everyone's well-wishes and consideration.

Remember the now, and be well, friends.

Reflection on a Week Without Alcohol

Last Tuesday night (super-early Wednesday morning, in actuality), I was enjoying my last (so far anyway) alcoholic beverage, a 24 oz. Busch Light as I recall, doing some reading and making some observations. It isn't often that I've decided to really pay attention to the manner in which I read – especially considering, until recently, I haven't really spent much time reading at all unless it was in a game of some sort. I noticed that, not only was I reading more slowly than I had earlier in the day (before work), but I was re-reading the same passages three and four times in order to properly grasp the meanings of the text.

This isn't as simple as not comprehending the words – I found myself skipping words; entire lines. I found it rather disconcerting that after consuming only 12 -16 oz of alcohol my ability to read was so seriously impaired. I imagined that all methods by which I could take in information were similarly compromised. I think this observation is what brought me to the conclusion that I needed to do something different.

After sleeping it off, I spent some time before work Wednesday reading about quitting drinking. Obviously, there are a great multitude of differing opinions on the best method, and no one particular source was any more helpful than another. I finally decided on a simple “cold turkey” approach, which seemed the most logical and has worked for me in the past. Maybe this doesn't work quite like smoking for most people, but I can honestly say that the easiest way to quit something is to simply quit.

As a result of quitting, I have noted an increase in my attentiveness at work and at home (during our home-schooling hours); at times I wouldn't have been drinking anyway. It is clear to me that the alcohol's effect on the brain, while most pronounced immediately after consumption, is still present many hours after the more immediate effect has worn off. These effects, I'm guessing, are cumulative over time, and seem to reduce over time much like the half-life of a radioactive isotope. I imagine I have some time ahead of me before fully realizing the benefit of this choice, but already I have had friends come to me and congratulate me, and, in one particular instance, open up to me about how unhelpful I had been on certain past occasions as a result of my heedlessness. Of course, I've also had some skeptical attitudes thrown at me, but all these words (positive or negative) have only strengthened my resolve, and I am thankful for them.

So I've gone seven days without so much as a sip of an alcoholic beverage, a feat I have not so much as tried to accomplish in over ten years. Am I terribly impressed? No, not really. There are other areas of my life in which much improvement is needed, and I've only truly started to reap the rewards of this particular change. That said, the rewards already have indeed been significant in the form of improved mental concentration in general, including extra “willpower” so-to-speak against the other various negative influences in life. I am hopeful that readers of this blog (however few of you there may be) can find something helpful or uplifting in this commentary. We each have struggles to overcome in life, and, quite clearly, one must admit that an issue exists to ever truly hope to address it.

Be well, friends, and thank you.

Thanksgiving in Review (and other news)

A couple weeks have passed since I last felt like updating, and a few worthwhile happenstances have taken place.

First and foremost, Thanksgiving:

My sisters came down to visit for the holiday weekend, providing an interesting, and enjoyable upheaval to the status quo at home. I actually felt like they connected a bit with my wife's family while they visited for the Thanksgiving meal, and over the weekend we had the chance to watch some Netflix shows that I would have never thought to watch (Death Note, for example). The visit gave Dalton some time with his aunts, something I think he misses out on far too much, and honestly, I think they miss out on him too (even if they don't realize it).

To the right, a photo of my sisters, myself, and my son enjoying Thanksgiving and discussing video gaming.  I seem to recall discussing PC vs. Console gaming; the advantages and disadvantages of each, particularly as it relates to multi-player gaming.  Below, left to right, my sisters (Shelly and Jenny) and my wife (Michelle) taken over the holiday weekend.

    

Additionally, in the weeks immediately prior to Thanksgiving, my son and I had begun playing hot seat games of Civilization V.  Interestingly, my son has gotten reasonably good at it (mind you, he is only six years old) and actually beat me in our first game.  Of course, I played at a significant disadvantage (Warlord difficulty vs. Settler) and spent much of the game giving him pointers instead of building my own country, but he has continued to display increasing skill in each subsequent game.  Below:  A brief video of him playing a turn of Civ over the Thanksgiving weekend.

Don't ask me what he's singing -- I seriously have no idea.  It was his last turn before bedtime, so I think his brain was shutting down already.

Now, moving on to more recent events; in what I've realized is probably an extremely surprising move on my part, I've decided to deepen my Dharma practice with the taking of the Fifth Precept. For anyone who's been keeping up with recent posts, you may recall that it is the abstaining of alcoholic beverages (primarily), something I have been hesitant to eliminate from my life. In fact, over ten years of habit-forming made the decision rather difficult to come to – I spent several weeks rationalizing my drinking with thoughts like “it isn't hurting anyone” and “it has not let me to get in trouble yet.”

Wednesday, I finally came to the point when I realized that my ability to progress spiritually (and mentally) was severely hindered by alcohol. Being a hindrance, it only makes sense that I work to eliminate it so that I have the opportunity to advance.

I won't promise to never drink an alcoholic drink again, but I do not need it in my home as a general rule, nor in any other place where I might choose to focus on the strengthening of my mind.  That said, I mentioned once that I had likely consumed over one million calories in my lifetime from alcohol alone, and I think it is reasonable to assume at this point that I would do well to restrict it for health reasons as well.

On the subject of Dharma practice, I have created a new study guide, which includes a number of improvements over the previous one.  Namely, it is printed in color, includes a number of tactile / appearance enhancements, and I've added nearly 40 pages of content.  It is also noteworthy that I spent some time fixing spelling and other typographical errors, as well as fixing an entire page that I somehow missed on the original booklet.

Right:  The new study guide, completed Sunday.

Below: Left is a corner view attempting to display a major enhancement on the finishing of the cover.  Right is an open-book view of the new one by itself.

In closing, be well friends.  I will try to post again soon.